wisodom & strength

it's funny how after a few years i've forgotten to write
not how to write, mind you, but to write at all
i suppose life has gotten in the way

i haven't taken the time to

reflect
search
battle
pray

reflect upon my life
search the depths of my soul
battle for what is right
pray for wisdom & strength

and now
as in life before
and certainly life to come

I desperately need to

reflect
search
battle
pray

noise

i'm surrounded by noise
chatter
laughter
clinking
i'm blessed, for most days
i am not alone
yet here i am
in silence
while the world spins
unblinkingly around me

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upsidedown

i'm feeling
upsidedown
disoriented
confused
I don't know
which way is up
or why i'm down

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destination unknown

anymore these days i wonder
what the hell am i doing?
how the hell did i get here?
where the hell am i going?

i just don't know
my current destination
unknown
traveling the road
hopin to find the way home

there are so few certainties
yet so many paths to choose
all seem to end in pain
where's the yellow brick road?

alone

alone
isolated
forlorn
apart
lonely
cynical
depressed
futile
empty
rejected
unworthy
bereft
depleted
godforsaken
wanting
without
naked
exhausted
alone

empty

there is an emptiness

unexplainable

unequivocal

that consumes my soul

so here i sit





empty





staring at the

blink

ing

cur

sor

wishing i could only

get out this









emptiness










that seems to fill me

i'm still here

i'm so intrigued by
joaquin's breakdown
cause sometimes
i feel like i'm there

the spotlight's on
come follow me
as i try
desperately
to find myself
as i fail
desperately
and fuck it all up

they like me
they really like me

fuck it

i don't care
but oh god how i do

please like me
please please like me

care that my life
is going down the tubes

save me
god please save me

cause in the end

i'm still here

hurt

"Hurt"
Michael Trent Reznor

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

midas

all i touch
turns to ruin
my intentions
all for naught

though my intent
was not of greed
instead of giving
it matters not

in my wake lies
a trail of pain
all whom i touch
i'm bound to ruin

forgotten

i've forgotten so much
my grief
my pain
my joy
my love

it's all become a mad dash
and what for?

it's about time to change
but change ain't easy

so what now to answer
this what for?

for me goddamnit
for me
for my family
for my wife
for my children
for me
for me
for me

the trouble is
my attempts
are paths of failure
so though it is
for me
it's a whole lot of
the same old shit

it's about time to change
but change ain't easy

so what now to answer
this what for?

for me goddamnit
for me
for my family
for my wife
for my children
for me
for me
for me

what to do?
where to go?
anywhere but there...
i'm not yet broken
i'm really shattered
held together by some
unseen thread

to go there
upon my knees
will be the undoing
the undoing of all
of me
me
me
me

the moment

realized tonight been waiting for a moment
the moment to happen
the moment to happen when everything is
just better
better than it was, has been, will be

realized yet again been spinning circles
the moment hasn't happened
the moment won't happen when everything is
just better
cause life just is, has been, will be

realizing tonight that waiting for a moment
the moment means missing
the moment means missing so many that are
just better
cause life just is, has been, will be

forging ahead

I have decided to start another blog. Go here for more info:

http://intentionalspace.blogspot.com/

the derailed train of my thoughts

it's been a long time since i've written anything here
sharing my heart, silently screaming to those who care,
to those who check here now and again when work is too much
when their lives are too full, and a little dose of the other
is needed to escape the reality of life, to sincerely check in
to wonder, to explore, to peep at the heart of one who does
his best to offer it honestly, truly, without holding back

so here i sit, in the middle of nowhere, wondering
how the hell did i end up here
i miss Seattle
i miss my Friends
i miss The City, the culture, the people
i miss the business, the climate, the water, the mountains,
what I wouldn't give to wake up and see Rainier,
to have papers due, to have topics to discuss,
to have reading groups, to have anything of the life that i once knew

i miss my Friends
i miss Seattle
i feel all alone
in the middle of a frozen tundra
with no one who knows me
with no one who knows what the fuck
to "pursue" means let alone to actually
pursue
me

damn transitions are hard
i am only a student on paper,
earning my final credits,
i think i had forgotten how difficult,
and shallow the rest of the world was
outside the walls of MHGS

God i want take the blue pill,
can't i take it all back?
because the path i've gone down is
irrevocable
inconceivable
isolated
impossible

what am i to do?
i'd do anything for
hope
direction
connection
meaning
community

God give me
something
anything
a sign
a nod
a wink
a nudge
a point in the right direction
a hint that i'm ok
a feeling
a purpose
a hope

a hope

God give me hope

just a little hope

please, God, give me hope

numb

why is my default mode always return to me being
numb
what is it that has made me so desperately desire to be
numb
i'm getting so sick and tired of always wishing i were
numb
and what is it that i even want to escape from
numb
today was a good day full of life and energy
numb
but something nagging clawing in the recesses of my mind
numb
desperately wants for me to be nothing but
numb
why does this underlying current become a tidal wave
numb
Goddamnit i just want it to go away
numb

numb

numb
please make it go away
numb

numb

numb

numb

numb
please make me go away

comfort

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me

so thank you for sticking by
as i fumble through my new life
my defenses are down
it scares me to death
and how how i mess it up

i take comfort knowing
that you're always here
no matter what i do or say
at the end of the day
you'll be there with me